IS FIDELITY GONE? …LET US WALK FIDELITY BACK HOME!

One of my most satisfying past time is organizing motivational talks for young people in colleges. I love the refreshing perspectives that the Youth bring to issues – from sheer innocence to the lethargic. Sometimes discussions delve into frightening emotional depths that cast gloomy picture of their emotional lives from a futuristic perspective.

While the word ‘Fidelity’ has various connotations and operational definitions, I refer to the ‘ability to be faithful and committed – emotionally and sexually – to ONE person (your spouse or partner) throughout the period of your relationship.

Recently, I worked with a group of 80 final year students (21 – 26 years old) of a reputable tertiary institution on a special research project. Part of my objectives was to test their degree of fidelity or faithfulness and commitment to relationships. In turn, they were to test their parents/guardians (55 – 70 years old). My interest was to establish a behavioral cycle and determine if there is a correlation between the emotional patterns of the young people with that of their parents.

This piece is not about the research but some interesting variables arising therefrom. Fidelity or Faithfulness was not a strong feature in relationships x-rayed. Over 55% of the students believe “faithfulness” or “fidelity” is old fashioned and has zero effect on their current relationships. About 73% of parents/guardians had been ‘overtly unfaithful’; 9% had left their spouses for another ‘love’, while 14% had constantly been ‘mentally unfaithful’. Only 4% percent have been totally faithful to their spouses. Interestingly, the ‘faithful bunch’ were clergy and those ‘survived’ bitter divorces.

Five team members later met with me to share an emotional fear based on findings after group discussions. Their collective question is simple: Does that mean that Fidelity or Faithfulness should no longer be an expectation in modern day relationships?

Is virtue of faithfulness truly gone?

Of course, NO! Some people still believe that fidelity in relationships should be the woman’s call… Men expect women to be faithful because it is an obligation. Truth is faithfulness is an issue of integrity. It is a personal decision that individuals make in spite of wedding vows and verbal assurances. A man or woman DECIDES to be faithful regardless of his/her partner’s lifestyle. The decision to be committed to your spouse/partner is predominantly dependent and propelled by the behavior of the other party.

Last week, after deep meditation on the issue of faithfulness or fidelity going out of fashion, I held a soul-searching and dangerous discussion with the love of my life. Here’s a snap shot:

Me: Darling, can you be TRULY faithful?

Response: Yes

Me: Can a man be faithful to ONE WOMAN?

Response: Yes

Me: What keeps a man faithful to his wife for the rest of his life?

Response: The Woman

Me: How? Why?

Response: The woman holds the key to the longevity of any relationship. She is supposed to be the mother, the confident, the nurse and the nurturer of any relationship….

Me: (Cut in) That, is not fair!!! What role does the man now play? Are you blaming women for all acts of infidelity?

Response: No, my dear. A good woman pays attention. She knows when her son/daughter is straying or has emotional issues. It is the same in relationships. The woman has the GPS to keep the relationship on course.

Me: Have you been faithful to this relationship?

Response: Yes. I am TOTALLY emotionally wrapped, why should I stray? Most importantly, I cannot hurt someone I love so deeply…

Above reflection is interesting and an innocent perspective on the issue. It may not be agreeable by modern women in relationships, as the quest for ‘EQUALITY’ has driven GOD-GIVEN roles of women to the background. However, it is noteworthy that there are elements of truth in the responses to the questions, thus, providing a unique element on the subject of fidelity in relationships.

I have no plan to open a discourse on whether a woman has more critical roles to play in navigating her spouse towards faithfulness. A peep into Men’sHealth Magazine provides helpful insight to a man’s tendency to ‘stray’. A 2008 Gallup Poll indicated 54 percent of Americans know someone who has an unfaithful spouse. Also, the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey “consistently finds that 20 percent of men cheat in their lifetimes, compared with 12 percent of women…” Today, the statistics are much more depressing.

If women can play a significant role in ensuring faithfulness of their spouses/partners, do they really understand WHY MEN CHEAT? Is it all about sex? No! According to Gary Neuman book, “The Truth about Cheating” out of 100 cheating men interviewed, only eight percent cited sex as the major reason for infidelity. Interestingly, 48 percent of them admitted that emotional issues led them to cheat. Thus, it can be safely established that it is not “just sex”.

To Men: Beware of these signs

I am positive that before you entered into your current relations, love was at the foundation that grew the bonding into a pledge of loyalty and promise to stay faithful. However, temptations abound out there. Scott M. Bea, PsyD, a clinical psychologist provided the helpful professional perspectives below:

Beware When:

  • You are increasingly interested in flirting with someone new in order to gauge the possibility of establishing a more intimate relationship.
  • You have persistent sexual and romantic fantasies about a particular ‘potential partner’.
  • You find yourself inviting or agreeing to meet or dine alone with a person with whom you feel a sexual or romantic attraction.
  • You are beginning to confide in an individual with whom you feel sexual or romantic attraction.
  • You have a history of infidelity coupled with a new opportunity to cheat.

To Women: Help Our Men

Of a truth, I am yet to meet a man who sets out to be unfaithful in a loving relationship. Temptations, emotional stressors and other inexplicable circumstances drive them to seek ‘solace’ in the wrong barn. These ‘temporary solutions’ eventually end badly due to faulty foundations.

As earlier established, women are naturally gifted with emotional intelligence and always have a ‘feeling’ that something is wrong in a relationship. Women have God-given instincts for sensing when their men are in trouble. Women who truly love their spouses ALWAYS KNOW when their men begin to drift and can propel them lovingly back to the right track – without angst or vituperation. Please…

Discuss With Him. We have established that it is NOT all about SEX. Communication is the livewire of any true relationship. Effective Communication is the outcome of a deep friendship between the two people. Humour him and do not exasperate him with jealous remarks. Establish that you both have a problem and work it via a heart to heart talk. So, talk without being opinionated.

Ensure Intimacy. Intimacy is the result of a strong bond between people who truly love each other. Intimacy does not denote sexual contact. Physical contact between lovers is more than sex. Relationship experts say: “Intimate touch – from stroking hair to massaging to simply holding each other, is key to keeping those bonds strong. “Kiss, massage, and keep those loving hands on each other: This works on basic biological levels to keep people literally connected and respond to one another, to anticipate each other’s needs, to look to each other rather than new, unknown partners.”

Do you feel emotionally connected when you touch your partner?

Help Him Avoid potential cheating traps. Dr. Scott Bea established that most men know when they are faced with potential traps. Sometimes, steering clear of these situations may be difficult, especially when emotionally stressed. Do you encourage him to discuss personal challenges – or does he have someone else he is comfortable discussing with? Being open, and, understanding the frailties of your spouse/partner will help him avoid emotional booby traps that could lead to unfaithfulness.

You must understand the need to intimately discuss the dangers of meeting alone with anyone that he might feel attracted to sexually or romantically. Confiding personal details to anyone that he might feel attracted to sexually or romantically is a dangerous signal. “It’s also a good idea to avoid or eliminate ‘friendly’ hugs and kisses.” The same goes for new avenues of cheating, such as online chat rooms and other forms of social media communication.

Note: Avoid making him feel cornered. Approach discussions of potential infidelity tactfully with clear display of love and concern. He must understand that both of you have an invaluable emotional investment, and, your desire/commitment to make it work.

Fidelity in spousal and romantic relationships establishes the basis of emotional stability and general wellness. It assures peace of mind and confidence in children. While it has been noted that both men and women have individual roles to play, the woman continues to hold the key and emotional GPS in keeping the man on course.

Women, let us get off from heights that hurt relationships. Let us invest emotionally in our relationships. Let us forgive mistakes and lovingly navigate our spouses and partners to the path of fidelity, loyalty and integrity. Stop impugning the reputation of the man before the children. “…And the two shall be one…” means that when you repudiate your spouse before the children, you inadvertently drag yourself into the mud too.

So, Let us WALK Fidelity back into our relationships…

I remain…

Emotionally Yours,

Nellie Onwuchekwa

Note: Any emotional issues or thoughts? Please share with me. Click to email me >>

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